As recently mentioned, my body must digest chocolate weird. Well, I hadn't had chocolate since the second week with Sydney and Cora around. I had a big glass of chocolate milk and was up with them all night. You'd think I'd learn. I knew chocolate was not good if I wanted a peaceful night. Well, Jeremy asked if I'd make some chocolate chip cookies he could take to the nurses today, so yesterday Kate and I got busy. I was so good and ate none of the dough, but I couldn't help myself once the cookies were done. I ended up eating 3 by the end of the day. Not my smartest moment. Up ALL NIGHT with Cora and Sydney and they are still having a rotten time napping today. I don't know if the caffeine gets to them or what, but I am kicking myself.
Now, I'm not putting this in as a pity post, but a reality one since all of the previous posts just gloss over things. It's true that after the pregnancy with these girls I really don't feel like I should be complaining about anything. At least I can go up the stairs, carry my children, blow-dry my hair or shower without having to sit down, I can actually stand to wash all of the dishes or make dinner, I can eat normal food again, and I'm not taking 12 pills a day (yes, 12 was the grand total). These girls are beautiful, all three of them, and I love having them here and feel so blessed and grateful for them. But it's days like this, after being up all night, that I feel like I can't put out the fires fast enough or I'm just flat out of water to put them out. Katie Lou is almost 3 ft tall now and can reach everything that just a week or so ago was too far out of her reach. I am suddenly out of safe spots in the house for books, phones, keys, dishes, clothes, food, pens, crayons, diapers, diaper rash cream, the list goes on. She is so fun and smart, but that's a lot of chasing to try to pull off when I am either feeding the girls, trying to get food ready, or actually taking time to go to the bathroom. And Sydney and Cora love to be held, but that also means if they wake up early from their nap or aren't feeling so good that they need some rocking. It sounds nice, but not with both of them crying, Pele howling at me, Kate bringing me books or blankets and say "help" or "read it," dinner half-way made, and the phone ringing. Moments like that I am laughing and so ready to bawl. I want to sit them all down and say, "I'm only one person and I can't safely hold all of you at the same time, open the oven, feed the dog, and still read to you, Kate." Then you get those nice things in the mail that talk about child development and how important one-on-one time is and holding and loving them, babies only cry when they need something, they need your love and attention, blah blah blah. Advice seems to rarely make new moms feel better.
Moments like that you want to run away screaming "SOMEONE ELSE FIGURE THIS OUT! I'M DOING MY BEST AND I STILL CAN'T KEEP YOU ALL HAPPY!" So we try schedules for these girls and they do work about 50% of the time throughout the day and we do have some good nights. Then I blow it by eating 3 chocolate chip cookies. Flexible schedules - HAH! This schedule and routine bit makes breakfast and dinner and bedtime total marathons. Yet, it is working and it will pass in just a few more short months.
Speaking of months.... So the nine months of my body being eaten alive by my two parasites left me weaker than I ever thought I'd be. I suddenly gained a much better understanding of the patients I'd taken care of before who'd been on bed rest. It seemed like my muscles forgot how to carry my body. I started walking with Kate or Pele when I had friends or family here and only once took everyone when my mom was here. I tried to run, but could only do about three minutes before I had to stop. That is quite humbling when in my head I'm a runner. I used to run the foothills in Salt Lake all the time. But turns out that was over two years ago that I could do that. I've just been walking with Kate and that came to a stop in November when I couldn't go anywhere anymore.
I have learned recovery takes a while and you have to work at it every day and be happy with any progress you make. You can't keep looking at the top of the mountain and be mad or discouraged you're not there yet if you have to start at the bottom. I am determined to be a runner again. I took a brief run/walk today while someone had the girls this morning. I had to get out of the house and I went up one of the side roads. I ran for up to 10 minutes at a time, then walked fast, then ran again up and down these hills, enjoying the many streams and amazed at the amount of litter there is in this little town. For 35 minutes I kept pushing. It sounds so little to anyone who's out running a lot, but I have to focus on where I've been and how far I've come. Fortunately the weather has been very sunny and in the 40's and sometimes 50's, so I've even been out with all of the girls multiple times now. It takes us about 20 minutes to get out the door and actually moving, but we do it. And shoot, if I'm walking around with 10 lbs of baby on my chest and another 10 and 26 lbs in a stroller for at least half an hour I think I'm doing well. Small victories.
Back to the chocolate thing. I switched Kate to formula as soon as she got teeth. I'm hoping to do the same thing with these girls and as soon as that happens I am getting myself some chocolate ice cream and some Lindors dark chocolate truffles. MMmmmm.
2 comments:
Hold on. You will inevitably have days like today. I have them almost every day to tell you the truth. But...there is hope. Your girls (each of them) will grow up and be able to do things by themselves. Second, babies are allowed to cry. I promise. I let mine cry all of the time and....they live. I'm glad you are getting out and taking a little time for you. Getting back in shape takes time but you can do it. I know you can. Good Luck!
I'm merely weeks from having my own little bundle of sleepless nights and crying and cute smiles. I will soon be feeling your pain.
I remember feeling so crazy with the twins for the first couple months, you get the hang of it and then they change... Don't beat yourself up. Your doing better than I was and mine survived to two and are so fun and sweet. They lived through infancy to my surprise because I had those days when i wanted to throw them. I know sad but hopefully that helps, to know your not alone. They are adorable. You can do it.
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