Better Confess

Here's the serious post.  October was a crazy month for us.  Jeremy took his board exam in Phoenix, then after he got home we found out I was pregnant with number four.  Well, this kinda meant all kinds of changes for us.  We have the five of us in three small rooms upstairs - do we move someone downstairs?  Find a way to cram a crib and rocking chair into the small rooms?  Put the baby in a dresser drawer?  We decided we'd push back our house building plans.  We drove a Subaru.  We made it work with the three in the back, but that's not so legal with four, so when we took a whirlwind trip to Salt Lake (down Thursday night, left Sunday morning) so we could get family pictures with my family, we bought a new car.  Not really new, two years older than our Subaru, actually.  We got a Toyota Sequoia.  We felt good about it, and it'll be nice to fit family in the car when they come to visit.  I also got to go to the temple early Saturday morning to see the new movie.  It was amazing.  I felt so uplifted and excited.  I spent some time while I was there talking to God about what it meant to have a new baby coming.  We were excited.  We were a little nervous, because we are well aware of what pregnancy and babies mean, but it felt so good and we knew it would be a great blessing for our family.

The Thursday after we got home, we lost the baby.  We'd already started to tell people because we had told people early on with Kate and the twins and had no problems.  This was something different.  I cried a lot that day, then was exhausted and not sure what to do with myself.  During the two weeks I had been pregnant I hadn't thrown up yet, but was already feeling weird and sick, really tired, and overwhelmed.  When I started to bleed that Wednesday night and told to do nothing it was really frightening to realize what it meant to have three little girls who can still do so little to really take care of themselves, let alone not kill each other, and have to be on bed rest.  We were sunk.  We will have no choice but to get a nanny if we get pregnant again, and it's not as easy as I thought it would be.  Not to many people want to nanny with mom THERE and needing help as well.  But Jeremy's schedule is not flexible enough to have him get the kids to and from school, do meals and laundry, and all the other stuff that you do when you "just stay home with the kids."

So all kinds of mixed feelings about this.  The next couple of days after I was so grateful I could do things again like carrying milk jugs from the store and not feel it in the core of my body that I'm pushing too hard.  Or just switch out the laundry without it putting me on the floor for a little while after.  Or pick up the girls in my arms.  Grateful for the body I have, heartbroken for the loss, guilt for the relief, wondering why it was so easy before and not this time, and still totally confident in God's timing.  It is very easy for me to trust Him with this.  He knows who needs to be in our family when, and if He says not now, I trust Him.  I just wish the hormones in my body had a better understanding of that.  Most days I'm fine, but if I'm pretty tired and it's been cloudy, and I've been inside too much, I feel very angry.  The wilderness is a very potent drug for me.  Being there helps calm me down and soothe my spirit.  There's always more that I'm thinking and feeling with this, but this is the jist of what happened.  Most times I really don't want to talk with anyone about it because there's not much to say, but I felt a very deep stretching with it that I cannot explain in words.  I'm grateful I have the husband I do, that we can go through things like this together.  And I'm grateful for the plan God has for each of us.