I Showed Up

As fun as yesterday was, today was a lot of work. Jeremy was on call, which meant I was on my own at church. Between it being in the middle of their naps now (from 1-4pm), it was 5 degrees outside, and I knew I'd be wrestling all three kids during the Sacrament Meeting, I was tempted to stay home. But I didn't. I can remember a teacher somewhere saying at least half of what we do to be faithful in the gospel is to just show up. Well, we showed up.

A friend who has mercifully come to our house usually twice a month to just talk with me or help with the girls came and sat with us only 5 minutes in. She helped with Katie while I tried to get the girls to realize they were OK to just SIT on my lap. My friend ended up taking Katie back to sit with her family and another friend sat by me to help with the girls. They didn't want anyone else to hold them but me. Not that they wanted to sit still by any means, they just had to be touching me or have me touching them. I was in much better humor this time around and laughed a lot. But the rest of the three hour block was still a bit ridiculous. Katie was brought to me twice so she could use the bathroom (I'm so proud of how well she's doing!) and both times I would leave two screaming babies in the arms of someone else while I took her to the bathroom. As I stood outside of Relief Society for the last part of church a friend talked to me about how it's hard to not just stay home when you have to do it alone.

I thought about that. There are so many women in our ward that regularly bring their kids to church alone. Whether it's an unsupportive spouse, health reasons, stake callings, or, as is the case with most of us, husbands working, we still come. Week after week I watch as we take turns helping each other or sympathetically - more like empathetically - staring in amazement and listening supportively as we all strive to remember why we do this, why we come. Then I also see those who come completely alone - no spouse or kids - and how much they need love and support and we all reach out to each other.

The truth is it would be easier to stay home than come to church every Sunday. It would be easier to not worry about what we listen to, watch, or wear. For me it would be easier to work and pay for a nanny than it is to stay home (fortunately, Jeremy's income and insurance are enough I don't have to). But I can't. I know what I believe. I know what's important to me. Easier doesn't mean happier. I choose the things I do because I have faith in a God who keeps his promises, who answers prayers, who can see the whole picture, who loves me eternally and wants me to have lasting happiness and peace. These little daily sacrifices are hard, but they are shaping me and helping me become a more compassionate, more patient, and better person. As hard as it is to have all three of them so dependent on me day in and day out, it's those moments that are shaping their lives, their faith and understanding, their picture of what love is and who they are. I cannot give that away, it will never come back. I go to church every Sunday because my girls need to know that when I make a commitment to our God I will stand by it and not change my mind because it's harder than it used to be. I see what those other awesome moms are also doing. They are modeling and teaching that there is more to them and their lives than their own personal comfort. They are willing to make those tiny sacrifices to show their faith and commitment. It's not to show anyone else than their God, their family, and themselves, but now that I strive to do it too, I see it.

I had no idea that my faith would be so tested as a mother. And there are so many other ways as well. But for today I am happy to say: I showed up.

Dream Big

Yesterday, with Jeremy home and all of us in a good mood, we decided to have a big family outing. Where would a family of 5 (three being under the age of three) with no money go in sub zero temperatures in a small town you ask? Well, besides our bi-weekly trip to the dump (anyone who has not been here needs to count their blessings if their trash is picked up by the city), we ventured out to the Home Depot!

Knowing we'll have to sell this most beloved house (I am not being sarcastic, I adore our century-old house) in a year or two, I'm betting on needing to replace the carpet before we get there. I've never shopped for carpet, cabinets, or anything, so we thought we'd just go to dream. We got our fill from the carpet guy, then wandered through wood floor samples (which make fabulous wood blocks for bored children), cabinet and counter displays, new ovens, washers and dryers, dishwashers, and refrigerators. I tell you what, I was blown away. I didn't know there was so much you could do to a home. Let alone the range of prices and varieties for each thing. We were probably only there for an hour before our little brood began to fidget and fuss, and we walked out of there with stars in our eyes of someday doing some big project on a future home.

Home we went and carried on with the rest of our Saturday. However, when it came time to start cleaning and I spent a bit too much time pulling things out of our carpet and almost hand feeding it to our decrepit vacuum cleaner, we both realized the first home-improvement project we should really be saving for is a working vacuum cleaner. We are dreamin' big.

What Do I Want to Remember About Today?

Sometimes, knowing the wide range of people who read this I don't get as personal as I'd like. I want this to be a better history of our family. Maybe we will end up going private as well. But I will start with what are the things I want to remember about this week of our family life?

We started out the week taking Pele to the vet. She started limping Friday night when we brought her in. I checker her out and couldn't find anything, and her appetite dramatically changed the next morning. So Monday she went in, it sounded like Lyme disease, but the lab work came back negative. I have some anti-inflammatories for her, but she's still limping a lot and we don't really know what to do for her. She doesn't seem to notice it, she still just wants to run in the snow. But, just as I felt with Sydney's stomach weirdness last fall and with her breathing issues two weeks ago, it's hard for me to seek the medical help when we end with more questions than answers. She goes back to the vet in two weeks and I hope we can figure something out by then.

We all are now recovered from one of the worst colds I've had in a long time. No matter which decongestant I tried it didn't change a thing. We all got better just in time for Sydney and Cora's birthday. They're a year old now. It's unbelievable. I was so focused on just making it to x amount of weeks, then to six months. Now they're at a year and sleeping through the night (most nights). They are both walking. They love playing with Jeremy, Katie, Pele, and I. They growl and roll their tongue. I am constantly so happy with all of them and so overwhelmed at how much is demanded of me every day. I don't know what I'll do when they're in bigger car seats. I currently take all three to the store by putting Katie in the seat in the cart, one of their carseats goes in the cart, and I have one strapped to my chest. When they're out of those seats I may be in trouble. All three girls will be in Nursery together this year. Those poor people. My children are loud! As for what we did for their birthday, I made jello and stuck a candle in it. I don't mean to be a party pooper, but I know they won't remember it right now, they got plenty of presents for Christmas and from family, so we were fine with no gifts.

We were so happy to have Jeremy home for the weekend! New month means new rotation and we're back to a better call schedule. Church was a little rough though. Better put, we almost killed our children. It was ward conference and our first family going to afternoon church (the girls and Jeremy stayed home sick last week). Well, because everyone was tired we were spinning in circles. Poopy diapers, trips to the bathroom, singing Christmas songs when no one was singing, throwing fits, shouting things to anyone near by, falling on faces, and fits in the isle - it's one of those things you can't understand unless you've done it. Then our Sunday School lesson was on teaching your children by example and we were both wondering how we could not kill them. Yet we survived. We got them to bed that night and I just cried. I love them. They're beautiful. There's nothing else I want to do, but what I wouldn't give sometimes to have a couple of hours to myself that wouldn't be used to make dinner or clean the house. Or to have a reliable babysitter who doesn't charge $12 an hour so Jeremy and I could go snowshoeing.

And for whatever reason, after balling my eyes out I felt so much better this morning. We had fun again. Katie loves to just sing anything - LOUD. She puts two hats on her head and tells me she's an elf. Then she will give something to Sydney or Cora and run over and tell me "I'm choosing to be a angel. I shared with her. I'm a angel." She wants to help me make anything in the kitchen and always wants to read stories. I wish I could take her on winter wonderland adventures, but as long as I have two other babies we are very limited in our outings. As everyone loves to remind me, I will look back on this and miss it. There are definitely things I will miss. Sydney, Cora, and Katie love to be held, rocked, and sang to. I love how quickly they give their love and smiles. I love watching Sydney and Cora play tug-of-war with things - a plastic cup to a stuffed animal to a cookie cutter. I love how our family home evenings last about 2 and a half minutes - including the song, prayer, scripture, and lesson. But Katie loves them and we look at each other knowing we're doing all we can.


I have an incredible husband who teaches me so much about patience, endurance, hard work, and love. He laughed so hard when he was playing with the girls tonight. They would tackle him, then he'd tickle them and they would squeal and giggle. It was a beautiful sight. I'm so glad Sundays are important to him. I'm glad he likes what I cook and that he's so determined to do things well. He is a miracle in my life.

As for me, I feel like I'm relearning how to reach out to people. I never thought it would become so difficult to do when I became a mother, but I really have to work at it. I am seeking to learn from so many women who each know things about mothering that have helped and guided me.

We are going to have a great year. It may be just as insane as the last as we go through Fellowship applications, three toddlers, and a currently gimpy dog, but I can't help but feel things will keep getting better.

Happy New Year

Sydney is doing better. The wheezing has dramatically decreased, so we're happy. I was getting dinner ready when I suddenly realized this is the last day of 2010. We talked over dinner a little about what our year has been like - sleep deprived! We had the girls January 5th and I can't recall a whole lot of what has happened since then. We did make it to the beach and the White Mountains. We took a trip out to see family. I took the girls with my Dad to see my little sister in DC. Katie's talking and singing and running and really never stops. She started Nursery in church this year. This year has really just flown by and we're really hoping we'll be more awake this coming year. I'm proud that we have survived the first year of twins. I don't know that I've ever been so stretched in my whole life. I think the Lord knows it's good for me to learn I can't do everything on my own, that it's good to learn I need help too. I'm glad a new year is starting and I'm sure this one will pass just as quickly. We hope everyone else has a very good New Year. We will be celebrating ours soundly asleep. Well, if the girls cooperate, that is.

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to the hospital we go....

Our blessed festivities somehow brought the dark angel of sickness to our entire house. Infections abound and we had to take Sydney to the hospital yesterday where she received a couple of breathing treatments. She received another one this evening and tomorrow morning we're going back to see if she needs to be admitted to the hospital or if she's on the mend. Nothing like a mysterious illness to keep you on the edge of your seat (RSV? Reactive airway? Pneumonia? Or just a nasty cold that is ravaging her poor little body?) We were finally gaining weight again! Jeremy's on call tonight and I'm just trying to think of other things while I'm really hoping I don't need to call the neighbors (who so graciously offered to come at the drop of a hat) in the middle of the night to take Syd to the hospital. She's super wheezy, her respiration rate gets pretty high, and she can't seem to stop coughing. It's funny how you can feel very grateful and blessed, and overwhelmed and on the verge of tears at the same time. So I'm just killing time putting up pictures when I should be crawling in bed.

This is when we first got back. I got all three of the gals in the wagon and we walked to the cemetery and back. They all thought it was great fun. So did I until Sydney decided to check out what was over the edge.
Ah, memories of my clean-shaven husband. It's now winter and he's growing one manly beard. They call him "Winter Jeremy" at work.

Alas, a typical family scene - the diaper change pajama party on the kitchen floor!

There's our little Sydvicious - pre-sick - toddling between the two of us.

What they really like to do is Syd rides it and Cora pushes her. This tandem ride didn't last too long.

The comment about not enough snow last post? It snowed that night and the next day. We got about 20 inches and a lot of cold wind. It's beautiful, but I haven't dared to take the sickies out yet. Pele loved digging her little holes in the snow to curl up in.

No pictures, please. (It's Cora)

This is what Amy, Katie, and I did the real Christmas morning while Jeremy was on call. We were given this awesome train set by our neighbors who's son never opened it. I was determined to figure out a way to have them all connect.

This was the pageant our kids put on Christmas Eve. Katie was so excited to be an angel, though I think she had no clue what was really going on.

I best be going to bed now. I've been hearing the three of them take turns coughing on and off. Here's to my call shift at home!

Happy Merry

Another Christmas come and gone. It's always a time for pondering. I had a ball this season getting things ready. One, it was such a blessing to be able to do things (last year we were waiting for the twins to come and hoping there'd be some of me left to take care of them). Two, since Katie is now 2 and a half, she was old enough to be excited about things and young enough to love the simple things. We put up lights on our roof line and cherry tree. We got a full size Christmas tree and decorated it. We had Christmas music on all the time. The result of that was Katie running around the house shouting "Angels We Have Heard on High," "The First Noel," and "Silent Night." I'd wake up to her singing those songs and "The Little Drummer Boy" to her stuffed animals and Sydney and Cora. She wraps up anything she can in a blanket and says it's baby Jesus lying in the stable. As cute as she may be, we spend a lot of time learning how to be kind to Mommy and the sisters.

Sydney and Cora are both walking now. Well, at the beginning of it. Cora can take several steps, even turn and keep walking once she's up on her feet. Sydney can take 3-4 steps at a time, and stand there forever holding anything. They both get excited whenever they see Jeremy or I, or even each other. They both stick their hands up in the air at random times and we just give them high fives. It makes them smile and laugh. Sydney has recovered since our last post. She is inhaling whatever we feed her. We have them in separate cribs now. Cora was repeatedly caught beating up on Sydney, though there have been a few times now that Sydney tries to get even when they're out toddling around.

That's how our girls are. Jeremy finished his pediatric rotation in November and he'll finish with the ICU this next week. We don't see him a whole lot, and he's pretty sleepy when we do see him. But we've had a good time when he's around.

I've been loving the Christmas season in New England though I am slightly disappointed in the amount of snow we've received. It's only been small dustings. Though we did get enough one day to put Katie in a laundry basket, tie Pele to it, and let her pull Katie down a little hill. I'm plotting how to get Pele pulling all three of them on a sled, we just need more snow. I will get pictures up sooner or later, and try to post some deep thoughts. In the mean time I'll just give a Christmas re-cap. It was awesome. We had Christmas Eve at the neighbors with some other families. Dinner, music, and a live nativity provided by the children of each family. We laughed and enjoyed ourselves. Christmas day was really low key. My friend, Amy Lou came to visit us for Christmas and we cooked up some serious Cajun Jambalaya. Well, she cooked and I watched. Then we made cookies that I took to Jeremy that night. All the girls were relatively sick this morning, so I went to church while Amy watched the girls and Jeremy was still in the ICU. Going to church, being able to listen, read my scriptures, and participate was the best Christmas present I could have asked for. When I got home Jeremy was asleep upstairs and Amy and I got Christmas dinner ready, the house picked up, and presents laid out for our Christmas evening. The wrapping paper and ornaments were probably the favorites, as always for the little people. Amy did get a nice video of Kate singing one of her songs if anyone wants to see it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knbdRjVkp18

She says only family will truly appreciate this. Cast your votes people!

Primary's

So, so sad. When Katie and I got back from the mountain Monday, November 1st, I took the twins upstairs for their nap. Almost to the top Sydney just plastered me, herself and Cora in the same vomit that had been coming out for a week and a half by that point. She was losing weight and it really showed. She reminds me a bit of Gollum here. Jeremy thought she looked like a survivor of a concentration camp. She only weighed 15 lbs 5 oz the day before we flew out and in less than a week's time she was at 14 lbs 4 oz. After trying scheduled Zofran, 3 IV infusions, a KUB, 2 CBCs, and a UA with no clear improvement, the pediatrician in Cedar and I decided it was best to head to Primary Children's in Salt Lake. I can't be grateful enough for my mom. She came straight home from work and took over Katie and Cora, had almost all of my things packed by the time I got back from the Dr.'s office, and watched those two from that night until Thursday night, when she made the 4 hour drive with them in tow. I didn't have to worry about them at all and could focus just on Sydney. It was the first time they were separated and I worried about that a little, but I think they both enjoyed how much individual attention they got (Sydney was held almost every second she was awake and I know Cora was held a lot, too). They sure melted my heart when they got back together though. They just smiled, reached for each other, and cooed. Katie was so excited to see Jeremy (he flew out a day early and she hadn't seen him for two weeks) that she ran up to him, wrapped her little arms around him, and said, "My Daddy! I love my Daddy."
Here's my angel sister, Ann, holding little Sydney. She just loved to rock and cuddle with Ann. Ann just let me lay there half asleep and still visit with her. It was the most quiet time the two of us have had together probably since her first girl was born. As much as no one wants to hang out at the hospital on vacation, it was a lot better to be there with family close enough to visit.
Here's my little girl in her gown. We walked the halls of the hospital many a time and ran into several people I knew from nursing school and work. What happened? We still don't really know. We just pumped her full of fluids again. She had an upper GI study (basically she drank liquid chalk under an x-ray), that showed her stomach was emptying kind of slow. They ran labs. She had an endoscopy. They took biopsies. Everything came back negative. Go figure. So it's a good thing nothing was found, yet we still don't know what happened. She threw up a few more times once she was discharged, but she is definitely heading in the up direction. I'm grateful it was something so small. I think I say that and some people think I'm nuts. But anyone more familiar with the medical field knows there are such awful things that kids and their families have to go through. We were not up against a chronic or terminal disease. We have insurance. No surgery. No months to years of prescriptions. We were able to get into the hospital and know that it was clean (if you've seen health care in other countries then you'll understand what I mean by that statement).

Yes, I really wanted to know what was going on with Sydney. I didn't want her to be hurting, but having seen some very painful things in hospitals, I knew the couple of sticks she was receiving that were helping her get better wouldn't be a problem. She did so well with the staff there. She really adored several of her nurses and was great with letting the docs check her out. Syd was a trooper. It was nice when we got to leave though. Sleeping in a bed without the lights, beeps and 4am vitals was so good!