Thursday, November 12, 2009

Dad Always said I was Special

I don't know that everyone would like to hear about everything going wrong, but since this is as close as I get to keeping a journal right now I'll probably continue to post about the weirdness of pregnancy.

To make a long story short, Monday night I was throwing up blood. So since Jeremy was post call Tuesday morning we ran ourselves over to the lovely hospital to pump me up with at least some fluid. Our doc said I most likely tore part of my stomach and gave me some Zantac to tame the wild acid, but I mentioned that food was not digesting either and they gave me Reglan as well (on top of the 2 liters of IV fluid). Now, Reglan basically helps with gut motility, but there can be a few weird side effects. One of the rare ones is you get really depressed and suicidal. But instead, my body did the reverse. I went from being super sick and looking dead in bed to a sudden burst of energy and laughter. I couldn't stop giggling or moving and scared the snot out of my husband and the nurse because they'd never seen anything like it from something as mild as Reglan. Whatever happened, at least I could finally eat a couple popsicles! Our doc explained it is an extremely rare side effect and Jeremy just asked me, "Can you do nothing like a normal person? You don't even respond to medication like people should!" I'm just giving him a broader perspective as a physician.

So I'm home now. That's been three trips to the hospital so far, none of which have helped us feel any less clueless about what to do with me and I've never had so many pills to take on a daily basis in my life, but I'm not dead yet. I can look on this right now and laugh because it's so ridiculous, but maybe it's because they gave me the pill form of Reglan to take home.

My friend, Ginny, was here for the fun of all of that and what a lifesaver she was! Katie Lou did great with her and our freezer is stocked with food. I tell you what, there's nothing like good friends who you know understand you to help you feel like at least you haven't completely lost your mind, well, that or they remind you that you did have a mind at one point in time to lose. Sometimes in all of this I wonder....

Before all of that started, we were foster parents of a 7 year old English Mastiff from Thursday to Friday. She got along great with Pele and Katie Lou and was really sweet, but she was also in heat so I was changing her little doggie diaper every time she needed to go to the bathroom. Little's the wrong word. That dog weighed 140 lbs - more than 3x the size of Pele. She went back within 24 hrs.

All of this teaches me about limitations. I left high school and went through college feeling like I never wanted to be limited. I hated people telling me I can't do something (I don't mean safety things), or that dreams are impossible. Everything seems so black and white then. Then you start to face real life and realize limitations may be a reality during certain seasons of life. The stubborn side of me still fights that idea, but all that does is make me frustrated. If I decide it's OK to hold still for a minute and ponder instead of working to death for the sake of progress and efficiency, I begin to be a lot more grateful for the things I have. As much as this is stinking hard - the moments of despair, the constant weakness and sickness, the stress, worry, aching, and exhaustion - it has taught me so much more than I would have learned having an easy pregnancy. Compassion, patience (still REALLY working on that), trusting the Lord's plan and timing instead of demanding my own, humility, and especially letting go of that rigid image of how life is supposed to be if "you work hard and do everything right." I could talk about this forever, but I just want to say that I'm grateful.

I'm grateful for a husband that always does his best to take care of me. I'm grateful for a daughter who loves her parents despite their own perceived shortcomings. I'm grateful for a dog who really is the perfect fit for our family and knows what I'm asking when I just look at her the right way. I'm grateful for so many people so willing to help. I'm grateful that I'm not an elephant that's pregnant for 22 months. I'm grateful we have such a nice home to live in and that the weather has been as good as it has. I'm grateful our fridge and cars work. I'm grateful we haven't had a mouse in the house for a few weeks. I'm grateful I can see colors and that we have such beautiful trees and rivers around us. I'm grateful for Christmas lights that brighten up our kitchen when it gets so dark so early now. I'm grateful for the education and jobs I've had and the amazing roommates and coworkers I've gotten to know and love. I'm grateful my mom and dad always listen to me then talk sense into me and love me for who I am. I'm grateful for both mine and Jeremy's brothers and sisters and how much they do for us. I'm grateful for the sense of touch and how amazing it is to hug Jeremy and hold Kate or scratch behind Pele's ears. I'm grateful I can walk and talk (as incoherent as it is at times). I'm grateful I can read. I'm grateful for kitchen knives that actually cut food on the first try. I'm grateful I can hear music. I'm grateful for the power of prayers - both said and unsaid. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father knows me and watches out for me. I'm grateful I have a Savior who gives me hope when I don't want to hope anymore. I'm grateful that days come to an end and new days are always fresh with no mistakes in it.

You never realize how much you have and all of the things that can make you happy until you really think about it.


MaryAnn said...

Just wanted to say that I enjoy your posts, you are special, and I've been praying for you. :) Hang in there!

Melanie said...

Holy cow. You really can do nothing normal. But, that's why you're loved so much. You are extremely awesome. Hang in there.

Mary-Kathryn and Andres: said...

Wow Jami, I am so glad you didn't go the other way on that medication. You deserved a break of laughter! Is it bad if I am praying that they come sooner rather than later (provided they are perfectly healthy of course!). Either way, I think and pray for you everyday.