Girl Culture

I love being a girl.  I even love having a bunch of little girls (that surprised me).  But sometimes I'm not so happy about different girl cultures.  Jeremy's gone for the last half of the week for a conference in Boston, so it's me and the gals.  Katie's been going to pre-school at the elementary here for the last couple of months and there was a spaghetti dinner tonight.  No planning, no dishes, I just show up and have dinner for those three?  Done deal.  

Part of my strategy to get these kids to sleep at bedtime is to wear them out however I can before bedtime.  So we played at the school playground for about an hour before the dinner started.  When we first arrived, I noticed a group of four girls, maybe 10 years old, there.  One of them said, "Hi, Katie," when we got close enough.  My first thought is - how does my daughter know these girls (since she's about six years younger)?  Then she told me she'd met them at recess.  OK, so I decide to just watch what would happen.  I was hopeful all would be fun for them, Katie never seems to notice she's not as old as anyone else.  But it became a game for these girls to get Katie to chase them, playing tag or any other game, and never let her actually get them.  I'm all for fair play, and I understand not wanting to hang out with a four year old when you're 10, but these girls several times asked her to come play with them, just to make her chase them and never catch them.  They tried to get the twins to do it as well, but Sydney and Cora gave up.  By then a couple of girls Katie's age got to the playground and I left her to play with them while I took the twins to the bathroom.  I came back out to hear my oldest child yelling at the two other girls that she wasn't going to play with them because they were "being mean."  

Anyone else with more than one child may understand why I was slow to respond to that, wondering if it was really my child being the mean one (like what happens at home at times).  But as the twins started playing also, I saw what was going on.  The two new girls were not going to let anyone near the top of the slide because it was their "castle."  So then Katie starts to yell at them again and tells these two new girls, "You're not being nice to my sisters!  You're being mean to my sisters, Sydney and Cora, and you need to be nice!"  What's running through my head?  Part of me wants to laugh, part of me is appalled as she is screaming how mean they are and their mothers are right next to where I'm standing, and part of me is so proud of her for sticking up for her sisters.  I stood back during both interactions (with the older girls and the ones Katie's age), other than to tell Katie thank you for looking out for her sisters and it was OK to find another part of the playground to play on.  

So I've just witnessed my daughters get a little taste of being picked on by two groups of girls within thirty minutes time, and I don't know that they were even aware of it.  I feel that a little exclusion and heartache are important parts of being kids. it's not like as adults we never face peer pressure and inclusion issues, so it's important to go through some of it early to start talking about how to handle it and what type of person these kids want to be.  However, it makes me wonder what school will bring for these girls.  I ended up being behind the older girls in line at the spaghetti dinner and I watched how they interacted with each other.  They were not super nice.  I think they wanted to be, but you could tell they were already competing with each other and beginning to feel insecure and seeking validation somewhere.  I'd just read an article in the Atlantic last night talking about how sexualized even Strawberry Shortcake and Rainbow Brite have become - under the idea that girls won't play with dolls that look like kids anymore (Please, like a 5 year old buys her own toys).  The article talked about how even 6 year olds were making judgements about popularity based on body image and clothes.  I am determined for my girls to know that at least their mom knows there is more to me than how flat my stomach is, how "hot" my clothes are, or how many "friends" I have on facebook (except that part that I'm still not on facebook).  

I love having the Gospel in my life because those teachings are SO SOLID and real.  I don't care if modesty, meekness (I can't say I'm awesome at that), and nurturing are SO not cool anymore.  I don't see these other values making people very happy, and too often it destroys people.  So I'm waging war on a lot of these girl cultures.  I decide what will come in our house - I can't control what goes on at school, but I can arm our girls with faith, prayer, love, laughter, and I can set the example of not freaking out if I'm not part of the "popular crowd," if my body doesn't look like I'm 17, and by not obsessing about clothes, hair, or any other non-lasting thing.  You can look nice, dress well, and have solid friends without wrapping your identity around how everyone else sees you.  I want to strive to have my identity be wrapped around my faith and how I treat people.  I always need to start with how I treat those girls when I'm tired and running out of patience, but I'm not going to give up working on this - their future, their perception of themselves, and their hearts are at stake here.     

And as much as Katie may be really intense to deal with at times at home, I was SO PROUD to call her my daughter when I saw her sticking up for her sisters.  She has a heart of gold.