Better Confess

Here's the serious post.  October was a crazy month for us.  Jeremy took his board exam in Phoenix, then after he got home we found out I was pregnant with number four.  Well, this kinda meant all kinds of changes for us.  We have the five of us in three small rooms upstairs - do we move someone downstairs?  Find a way to cram a crib and rocking chair into the small rooms?  Put the baby in a dresser drawer?  We decided we'd push back our house building plans.  We drove a Subaru.  We made it work with the three in the back, but that's not so legal with four, so when we took a whirlwind trip to Salt Lake (down Thursday night, left Sunday morning) so we could get family pictures with my family, we bought a new car.  Not really new, two years older than our Subaru, actually.  We got a Toyota Sequoia.  We felt good about it, and it'll be nice to fit family in the car when they come to visit.  I also got to go to the temple early Saturday morning to see the new movie.  It was amazing.  I felt so uplifted and excited.  I spent some time while I was there talking to God about what it meant to have a new baby coming.  We were excited.  We were a little nervous, because we are well aware of what pregnancy and babies mean, but it felt so good and we knew it would be a great blessing for our family.

The Thursday after we got home, we lost the baby.  We'd already started to tell people because we had told people early on with Kate and the twins and had no problems.  This was something different.  I cried a lot that day, then was exhausted and not sure what to do with myself.  During the two weeks I had been pregnant I hadn't thrown up yet, but was already feeling weird and sick, really tired, and overwhelmed.  When I started to bleed that Wednesday night and told to do nothing it was really frightening to realize what it meant to have three little girls who can still do so little to really take care of themselves, let alone not kill each other, and have to be on bed rest.  We were sunk.  We will have no choice but to get a nanny if we get pregnant again, and it's not as easy as I thought it would be.  Not to many people want to nanny with mom THERE and needing help as well.  But Jeremy's schedule is not flexible enough to have him get the kids to and from school, do meals and laundry, and all the other stuff that you do when you "just stay home with the kids."

So all kinds of mixed feelings about this.  The next couple of days after I was so grateful I could do things again like carrying milk jugs from the store and not feel it in the core of my body that I'm pushing too hard.  Or just switch out the laundry without it putting me on the floor for a little while after.  Or pick up the girls in my arms.  Grateful for the body I have, heartbroken for the loss, guilt for the relief, wondering why it was so easy before and not this time, and still totally confident in God's timing.  It is very easy for me to trust Him with this.  He knows who needs to be in our family when, and if He says not now, I trust Him.  I just wish the hormones in my body had a better understanding of that.  Most days I'm fine, but if I'm pretty tired and it's been cloudy, and I've been inside too much, I feel very angry.  The wilderness is a very potent drug for me.  Being there helps calm me down and soothe my spirit.  There's always more that I'm thinking and feeling with this, but this is the jist of what happened.  Most times I really don't want to talk with anyone about it because there's not much to say, but I felt a very deep stretching with it that I cannot explain in words.  I'm grateful I have the husband I do, that we can go through things like this together.  And I'm grateful for the plan God has for each of us.

Can't Quite Call it a Corn Maze, Honey's B-Day, and Halloween

We heard there was a corn maze in Vaughn and made the drive to see the corn maze and pick pumpkins.  I was a little disappointed since the corn was not quite waist high in most places and there was no pumpkin picking available, but the kids had a great time.  

 The girls got on top of a hay bale maze that was a lot of fun to jump over.  

 Rubber duckie races with Daddy.  

 They did have pumpkins there and there girls were pretty excited to bring them home.  

 Syd being a farm girl.  

 Cora ridin' Susie Q.  

 So happy.  

 Check out that moon rise.  

 Here's the amazing store bought cake.  The day was made crazier by lack of a car (it was getting the check engine light figured out) for most of the day.  But we had a good time.  Happy 34th Honey!  The best part was he had already taken his oral boards a few weeks before and we found out sooner than expected and he passed!  34 years old and he's done with school and tests!  Something to celebrate for sure.  

 The girls helped me rake leaves to help them earn money to buy bikes.  Too bad Katie was stung by a bee seconds after I took this picture.  And, by the way, I HATE crab-apple trees.  The girls would say I shouldn't say hate, but those are messy, messy trees and no fun to rake up the mushy things.    

 The twins in their favorite "booteeful spin dresses" and my boots.  

 I had great intentions of making Rainbow Brite costumes for Halloween this year, but things came up and I was glad last year's witches outfits were still wearable.  Add a new $3 hat and they were more than happy to be witches again.  

 Throwing darts at the ward Halloween Carnival.  Jeremy actually got four balloons with three darts.  That's how he gets the IVs in at work, just stands back and throws them like darts.  He's just that good.  

 So funny to watch this little girl go for that doughnut!  

From Early October

It stayed warm most of the month.  We were definitely busy with the day to day things.  Here's Cora and Syd.  They love dress up, especially if they get to wear their mother's shoes.   

 The art wall:

 I have to take advantage of every sunny day, even if it's a cold wind.  We went behind the Lewis and Clark Center to go "fishing" with their sticks and "explore the little canyon."

 This is a little spot just above Giant Springs and is a wonderful place to play.  It's protected from the wind, there's water, but it's not a big deal if they fall in it.  

 Pele was with us and NOT amused at having to stop so many places.  She was ready to run every direction.  Poor dog.  And below we have that beautiful Missouri River.  If you ask Cora it's called the "moouri river."

 My super tiny bag I use for a purse that my sister gave me when she got back from Argentina 8 years ago started to fall apart - so I made a new one.  Syd is modeling it for me.  

 All dressed up and so much work to do.  I bought a couple of rakes for the kids, too bad they broke within days.  Jabby.  

Mama Went Crazy

Let's go back a few Saturdays ago.  Jeremy was going to study all day (again) for his boards and there was NO WAY I was going to stay in the house all day.  Solution?  Just drive West for two hours and see what you find.  Amazing, beautiful fields and mountains (it's Montana, isn't that everywhere), and we stopped at a lake in a canyon for a picnic and walk, just to get back in the care and go home.  But driving there, seeing the wilderness, it's like a drug for me.  Nothing soothes my soul like those wide open spaces.  Just ask Katie and the girls as they asked me to play the song over and over again on the way back for them to keep singing it.  

 This is an apple-cheese-cracker sandwich Syd is showing.  I will be forever grateful to my nursing school/Burn Unit friend who introduced me to the marvels of white cheddar with granny smith apples.  MMmmmmm.  

 I have great hopes of learning what all the plants are someday.  For now, those white berries were called "blueberries" by my children.  Fortunately I had them convinced we never eat white berries, but they had a great time picking them and stuffing them in their pockets.  

 And nothing seems to sooth these girls like throwing rocks into water.  We had a good time.  

 Maybe some of you will think I don't take being a Mom seriously enough, but there was a part of me that expected to drop them off at preschool and have nothing else to do for it.  Not the school they're in apparently.  We were asked to make family trees for them.  Good thing I had taken the right pictures for it while we'd been in Utah.  Here's my budding craft abilities.  

The End of Summer

Our summer was coming to a close.  I started making bread again, but it was just not turning out well.  Each loaf was getting stuck in the pan and crumbling at the top.  It only took another three tries before I got it figured out.  

 I decided we were spending our last day before school in the wilderness, so off the the Lewis and Clark forest we went, South East of town.  We found a short hike with a beautiful waterfall and the girls had a great time.  

 Here's Katie in her backpack in front of her school.  She has done so well.  All day Kindergarten has been a great thing for her and for us.  She gets a lot of her energy out and learns a lot, as she's told us several times - it's so much better than preschool.  I didn't learn anything in preschool, but I'm learning in Kindergarten!  

 I couldn't resist some good prairie pictures. These girls never want to get out of their dresses, they just LOVE being FANCY.  

 Big sky country, yes.  Wide open spaces, yes.  And if you're wondering what's in her hand, it's a headband and some doll blanket that she turns into her "sunbonnet," like what they wear in Little House on the Prairie.  

 Check out that sunbonnet!  Poor Syd was not have the best day, though, so she didn't get as many pictures.  

 Cora in her pretty dress.  

 Cora and Katie playing lion.  

I like being a prairie mama.  

Family Reunion

This is the first family reunion we've been able to attend.  Middle of August made the drive down to Central Utah and spent half a week playing in the mountains there.  It was great to get to spend so much time with family and get to know them better.  

 Here's Papa Bear with his girls on the four wheeler.  

 It was hot all day long, but man it was COLD at night.  We bundled those stinkers up and they were so cute asleep.  If only they would have STAYED asleep.  Let me tell you how much I loved getting out of the tent Jeremy and I were in to race to theirs (unzipping and zipping doors), to calm them down several times in the middle of the night.  We got smart our last night there and put everyone in one tent.  

 Uncle Russ got some quality time in with the little girls to teach them some archery skills.  

 Katie loved her hat.  We were remembering the German heritage on the Staker side.  

 I don't understand why other people's kids love to sit still to hear me plan and my own run crazy when I pull out the guitar.  

 Cora and Sydney.  All three girls took turns digging in the dirt and were SO FILTHY by the time we were done.  

 Syd and her cousin, Ella.  Those girls loved playing with their cousins and running through the fields.  They loved the forests until Katie ran through a hornets' nest.  Eight stings later and she decided not to go off the trails anymore.  

 On our way back from a scavenger hunt the twins started holding hands, then started running away when they realized their dad was trying to get pictures of them.   

We had a great time, and next year we're bringing warmer sleeping bags, more blankets, and figuring out some sort of night light for the twins.